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The Jet Ski
The Jet Ski is the forty-fifth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series. Transcript (ringback tone, sound of jet ski engine in the background) Man: Jet Skis. Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Man: Who is this? Milton: This is Milton Fludgecow! I rented a jet ski from you over an hour ago, and I can't shut it off! Man: What the-where the hell are you? You were supposed have been back half an hour ago! Milton: Listen here, dillweed! If you'd let me get a... word in edgewise, and shut the hell up, you'll understand what I'm saying! I'm on your death trap jet ski! It's out of control, it will not shut off! Man: Press-press the red off switch! Milton: I've hit the red off switch, absolutely nothing is happening! Nothing nothing nothing nothing NOTHING! Man: Just press the red switch in with your thumb! Milton: Hey, listen here, schmuck-face! I've tried it! Does! Not! Work! Read my lips: "Does! Not! Work!" Man: Press the red off switch. Milton: (pressing the switch) Hey, asswipe! I've done it! Does not work, I'm pushing it right... (thumping the switch) I'm pushing it now, nothing's happening! Man: (beat) All right, pull the cord, that's attached to your vest; the kill cord. Milton: I disconnected that! Man: What do you mean you "disconnected it"? Milton: It was very uncomfortable and restrictive, disconnected it! Man: Well how could it not be working?! Milton: Listen here, bozo! What do I look like, a watercraft engineer?! It is! Not! Working! Man: (stammers) Jump off the jet ski! Milton: I can't jump off the jet ski! I have my four-hundred pound fat kid Chauncey on here, and he can't swim! Man: You have another person on there? You're only supposed to have one person on there! Milton: I picked him up on the beach, I'm sorry! Man: Why would you bring someone who can't swim? Milton: (wails) Ohh, thank God I had my cellphone in my waterproof sports pack, or else I wouldn't have been able to call you! Man: Where are you?! Milton: I'm about ten miles offshore now! Man: Ten miles?! Oh sh-''(censored)! '''Milton:' Yes! Ten-oh my God! I got a small fishing boat straight ahead! Man: Turn-- Milton: Twelve o'-clock! Man: Turn the jet ski! Milton: I can't, the handlebars snapped right off! Man: What do you mean they "snapped off"?! Milton: I hit a windsurfer about twenty minutes ago, ripped the handlebars right off! Man: You gotta turn the jet ski! Milton: I can't control it! Look out! Get out of the way! Get outta the way! (sound of a man screaming, Milton shouting, and wood splintering as Milton crashes through the boat) Man: Oh my God! Milton: (wails) I just split 'em right in half! Call the-- Man: Anybody hurt? Milton: Call the Coast Guard, two men overboard! Man: Is anyone hurt? Milton: Oh my God, I just had a fudge roll in my pants! Man: Sir! Milton: (wailing) Man: Is anybody hurt? Milton: I don't know, I'm about a half-mile away now! (pressing button) It will not stop, it's outta control! Man: Sir, you gotta stop the jet ski! Milton: How the hell am I gonna stop the jet ski?! Oh my God, things are getting worse as we speak! Man: Turn the gas switch to "off"! Milton: I see a big ship up ahead! Man: Oh sh-''(censored)! '''Milton:' It-- Man: Turn the gas switch off! Milton: I can't! Gas switch is not working either! Man: What do you mean it's not working? Just turn the knob! Milton: Nothing is working! It looks like one of those gambling casino ships! Man: A gambling ship?! Milton: A casino ship, straight ahead! Man: Holy sh-''(censored)! '''Milton:' Bah! When I get through with you, I'm gonna sue your butts off! It's gonna be "Fludgecow Jet Ski Rental" when I get through with you morons! Man: You have to turn the jet ski! Milton: Oh my God, gambling boat straight ahead, on-- Man: Put your foot out to turn the jet ski! Milton: On collision course! Man: Put your foot out! Milton: I can't! Disaster is imminent! Man: Stick your foot in the water! Milton: Everyone's gonna die in a hellacious ball of fire! Man: Stick your foot out! Milton: Heading straight for ship! (screaming) (sounds of crashing, people screaming, and Milton grunting as he crashes through the hull of the ship) Man: Hello?! Hello?! Hello?! Milton: I'm inside the boat! Man: You're inside the boat?! Milton: Jet ski crashed right through side of boat! I just plowed through the casino, knocked over slot machines and craps table! I'm in the middle of the casino! Man: The jet ski's in the casino?! Milton: Yes, in the casi--hey wait a sec, gotta go! Feeling lucky! Gonna play some blackjack! Man: What the-- (Milton hangs up) (dial tone) Category:Prank calls